sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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