Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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