i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
