No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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