And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
