If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
