Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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