Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize