I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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