Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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