My friends, they love my intelligence
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
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