There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
