after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
