When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
