hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
