I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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