this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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