She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This baby is an asshole
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Rumble strips road head = magical
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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