I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
