college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
