I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I wish i was in the wii world.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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