Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize