You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
