I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
