dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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