I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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