Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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