they need to just BURY HIM!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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