apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
