it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
