you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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