i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
