my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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