you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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