I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
