i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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