She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
