The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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