I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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