Who did Billy Mays play for?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
