I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
