the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
