saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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