Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
