I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
