Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
