Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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