you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
