the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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