if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He felt like a one man threesome
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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