from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize