All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
