somebody snuck up and got me drunk
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
