This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
