i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
