pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
