whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
