ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
