It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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