the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
